Rebuilding your self-esteem after leaving a toxic relationship is not an easy thing to do. Leaving a toxic relationship can leave you feeling drained, questioning your worth, doubting yourself, and feeling hurt. It can be easy to want to go back to what is considered normal for you. You may find that your self-esteem has taken a hit, and you are probably trying to find yourself again.
You are not alone. Many people leave toxic relationships and feel this way, and this is the start of your healing journey. You’re not broken, and in this post, we will discuss ways to get your self-esteem where you want it to be.
1. Accept What Happened Without Blaming Yourself
Many people who get out of toxic relationships blame themselves for the relationship ending. Replaying things that happened over and over in their head. But here’s the thing: when you continue to blame yourself for what happened, it will make it very hard for you to move on from the relationship and that person.
Some things that may help are journaling. This involves writing down your feelings and understanding why you feel the way that you feel. It can allow you to be self-aware and help you make the changes in yourself that you feel need to be made.
Here are some journal prompts to help you:
- What exactly am I blaming myself for? Write the specific accusations.
- What are the facts of what happened, without interpretation?
- If a friend described the same situation, would I blame them? Why or why not?
- What were my mistakes?
- What needs was I trying to meet in that relationship?
- What boundaries did I struggle to set — and why?
- What am I still carrying guilt for?
- If I forgive myself, what am I afraid would happen?
- Who am I outside of this relationship?
- What does a healthy relationship look like for me now?
2. Recognize the Negative Self-Talk
Be aware of your inner critic. You know what voice I’m talking about. The one that tells you that you don’t deserve more, or the one that tells you that you aren’t enough.
Okay, maybe you don’t say those exact words to yourself, but they are words that crush your self-esteem. I understand that it may not be easy to get rid of negative self-talk quickly, but right now I’m just asking you to be aware of it.
When you are in a toxic relationship, chances are that there may have been some gaslighting, criticism, controlling behaviors, comparisons, which can cause negative thought patterns to form in your mind. There have been studies that concluded that emotional abuse in relationships are linked to negative self-view and emotional distress.
I’m a big believer in taking time with yourself and writing stuff down. When you write stuff down, you can see it on paper, and it helps you to become more aware. Write down the repetitive negative thoughts that you have on a piece of paper, and then write down the positive thoughts that you would like to embed into your mind.
3. Surround Yourself With Supportive People
Who you surround yourself with makes a big difference in how you feel. Look at this way, imagine being around people who make you feel drained all of the time, who gaslight you, who love drama, and are just all around terrible people. How would being around these types of people make you feel? I would imagine it would not be good at all.
The opposite is true for supportive people. These are people who believe you are somebody, and they want you to succeed in life. They want you to be joyful and enjoy your life. If you don’t feel that you have these types of people in your life, joining online support groups, therapy, and joining growth communities can make a big difference.
4. Set Boundaries With Everyone, Especially Your Ex
As a woman, “no” is one of my favorite words. When you first leave a toxic relationship, your ex might be calling you, or they may try to show up to your house, but remember to stand your ground. Remember, why you left the relationship to begin with. Setting healthy boundaries like going no contact with your ex or setting social media limits can protect your energy and your peace.
Whatever you decide to do, try to keep the communication as clear as possible. Healthy boundaries are essential for rebuilding self-confidence and self-esteem.
5. Reconnect With What You Love
Before the relationship, think about the things that made you happy. Think about the things and activities that made you feel whole, and try to reconnect with those things. If you feel that you didn’t have many things that made you happy, maybe you can take some time to explore new hobbies and passions like reading, painting, gardening, going for walks, and journaling. There are so many to choose from.
When you begin to do the things that you love, it helps you to rebuild your identity and your confidence. It also helps to break trauma bonds because you are “distracted” by the things that you enjoy doing.This will leave little room for you to think about things that happened in your relationship.
6. Celebrate Yourself
After leaving a toxic relationship, it can be easy not to trust yourself. It can be easy to beat yourself down by what happened in the relationship.
When you have small wins, it can be easier for you to track your progress.
Even if you don’t think about your ex that day or you delete their number, these are small steps forward which contribute to your overall progress. These small steps not only help you track your progress, but they help you to regain trust in yourself. Talk to yourself in a positive way.
Here are some daily affirmations that you can say to yourself:
- I trust myself
- I keep promises to myself
- I am stronger than I was yesterday
- I handle hard things
- I don’t quit on myself anymore
- I make healthy choices
- I am learning
- I am becoming more confident
- I deserve peace
- I can choose differently now.
- I am rebuilding my life
7. Challenge Limiting Beliefs
Limiting beliefs are core beliefs that you have about yourself that hold you back from your full potential. Some people like to refer to them as your inner critic, inner voice, or negative self-talk. They sound like, “No one will ever love me, I’m not good enough, or I’ll never be happy.” Of course, there are many other ones that are said.
Recognize the limiting beliefs and replace them with a positive affirmation. When you do this long enough, eventually your mind will begin to believe the positive affirmations that you are feeding it.
I would start with one small belief at a time, and not try to feed your mind with too many at once.
8. Practice Self-Care That Feels Good
Self-care involves taking self-care of yourself during this process. It can look like nourishing your body well, getting enough movement, taking time for yourself, and meditation. There are many self-care routines that you can develop during this process and the best thing about it is that self-care can be any positive activity that supports your well-being.
If you feel like you don’t have a lot of time to take care of yourself, take 5 minutes a day to do some deep breathing which may help calm the nervous system.
9. Forgive Yourself
Sometimes we stay in toxic situations because it’s normal to us and we are just comfortable being with the other person. And sometimes we stay for so long that we don’t even know what happiness is anymore.
Forgive yourself for staying in the relationship for too long. When you forgive yourself, you aren’t accepting someone else’s bad behavior, you are giving yourself permission to let go and move on. It can be easy to beat yourself up, but when you forgive yourself, in a way you release any bad energy that is still with you. It also helps to let go of any guilt or shame that you carried from the relationship.
10. Be Patient With Your Healing
Healing takes time and it’s definitely not something that happens overnight. You are building a new foundation for yourself and being patient helps to build lasting positive results for yourself.
This also gives time for your nervous system to get out of the flight or fight mode, which toxic relationships can keep your nervous system in. Your healing journey will have ups and downs, but the most important thing is to be as consistent as possible with these steps.
Before You Go
Rebuilding your self-esteem is 100% doable, but it will require you to be patient with yourself and to change your environment. It will require you to let go of the past and let go of negative thinking.
Take one step at a time and surround yourself with loving and supportive people.
You are worthy and you are enough.
